Ours. 08 March 2016.

My dear men and women, 

 I look forward to celebrate humanity together.

 

They say, a woman is a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother... 

What if she has no parents to be a good daughter? 

What if she has no siblings to be a good sister? 

What if she is not married or lost her marriage to be a good wife? 

What if she does/can not have a child to be a good mother ? 

Does any of it make her less complete, less womanly?

 

Do not let your gender or the norms that come along define you. You are you beyond those things.

You are first and foremost and forever a human. Lets thrive to be a good one. Everyday is our day.

Hope.

We frequently tell each other, "Don't expect/ hope from anyone anything". Has anybody said that with enthusiasm in our lips, devoid of even a slight glimpse of trepidation in our eyes? On the contrary, I hear an echo of melancholy and a sigh of deprecation..  I feel as though a feather in one's heart falls down and dies each time it is said or heard.. When we say, "don't expect from anyone anything ", are we not saying silently "don't expect from me" as well, since 'I' am also an 'anyone' ? 

When did we become so skeptical..? Why are we preferring suspicion over mutual regard? How can we go on with life thinking we won't have our shoulders for each other? A speculation like such, is that a sign of fierce independence in reality or that of an audacious mind drearily trying to shield self from probable pains?  

I don't know if we really can preserve our hearts from expectations. We are humans with an innate humane trait that makes us trust other enough to believe in their capability of fulfilling our hopes. In a way, is it not an utmost form of admiration to one another? That we see ourselves worthy of hopes? 

Maybe I'm wrong but let us not give up on our goodness.. Let us have hope and give hope..  Of course I might get heart broken by others and I break of others' too. But I would rather have a broken heart than an untouched one. After all heart breaks make us live and thrive all its glory; A life of love and fight and surrender... And love again.

Perhaps I can say all these because I'm blessed with friendships from ones who have surpassed my imagination on positive reassurance many a times, whenever I needed them. And thus, I hope I shall be grateful enough, not to pine too much over the small pains of my heart brought by one or two and forget the bigger joys brought in by many many loved ones. 

My companions.. My soulmates..

I will always embrace my expectations of you because I believe in your kindness. You are worth the hopes of my little heart. 

I follow

I follow
The notes of a lovely song
Your naughty puppy run along

I follow
The long trail of dutiful ants
The lines in my mother's hands

I follow
The free flying lonely kite
The shadows on a scary night

I follow
The wind in my black hair
His cold breath in foggy air

I follow
The whiff of chocolate crepes
My father's gentle footsteps.


P.S. This is a part of my write up, that’s originally written for my daily journal : www.mindunlocks.com. 

Books.

There are very few things that surpass the smell of books. The fragrance of father's freshly shaved cheeks, the smell of a baby's hair, the whiff of mom's biryani, across the hall...

How often do we encounter with the most wonderful fragrance of a fresh new book now ? I have forgotten it so much so that, the whiff I associate with books is one of the old second hand buys I get for cheaper prices in corner shops. Gone are my days of getting excited of new academic year, new set of text books and note books.. And more importantly, the brown paper cover for each of them.

You remember that ? I know, you remember that. How could we not. Its the most prim and proper thing that gives the books, their perfect 'owned-by-an-Indian-student' look.

They say don't judge the book by its cover. My father used to say, a clean cover of book shows how much you respect the books and how much you are grateful for your education. He would say, you are privileged to get new set of texts and notes every year and blessed for being able to go to school everyday with a lunchbox full of fresh food.

I used to study, sitting on bed. I did have a desk and a chair and a lamp in my well-lit room. But I preferred bed. One day, whilst wrapping my books with brown paper, my father told me how he made a table and a chair for himself from some wood he found outside in the yard. He was fourteen or fifteen then. He said, it was a very happy day for him, for he got a set of furniture from then on to sit and study in, instead of the usual floor in his little home. It was from that day on, that I started using my own desk. I was also fourteen then.


That day, I asked him discreetly,

" Was it difficult without much money around at house? "

" No, not at all. Because then you learn to appreciate things that you can do without it. You learn that money is always a secondary thing. You learn to approach life from its very organic and fundamental sides."

" Did you have toys and stuffs to play with when you were younger? "

" I had better. I had sand and trees and ponds and sea nearby."

" Would you go back to that life if you could?"

" I would, but then I would miss sharing all these with you, my children, don't I?"

I smiled.

I am still smiling.

" Always remember that, privileged are those who have a good life. But the biggest privilege is... to realise that your life is already good."


P. S. :- This is a real life episode. I will forever play it again and again with a smile in my heart. 

 

Dedicating to my dearest Roonatha (Roona Hafiz), who told me to write about the brown cover while we were talking about our childhood days. Wouldn't have written this, if not for you Roonatha :) 

Days.

I don't celebrate or give importance to any kind of anniversaries. In fact I have never in my life. Religious apprehension, though a prime one, is not entirely the reason for it. As witheringly unimaginative as it may sound, I prefer to believe that all days are special and that each day belongs to each and everyone of us. One day for me, one day for you, another day for us, yet another day for my mother... Any named day is merely a coincidence, ain't it ...? Or so have my naive mind gathered.

Maybe along the road, I might regret these chronological milestones as they eventually disappear, when life pays its dues on time. Yet I fear, a sure acceptance in that line shall bring forth an abrupt closure to any further afterthought... They say, each year, we are nearing our death point. One's birthday, for instance, is going to end one day, and turn into a sad recollection of the opposite sort. If that's so, is one moving forward and at the same time, also nearing one's own end? Am I tipping towards the darker side of reality now? Am I simply turning skeptical and unappreciative?


Or perhaps cynicism is still a good thing. With not being punctual about certain dates, I assume, I also am not obliging myself to sorrow and mourning, on days that remind me of a loved one's eternal absence. Except the obvious that, I have only the confined capacity to perceive anything and maybe essentially everything, through the tiny realm of my very limited outreach. Well, end of the day, I may never know... More importantly, I may never need to know.



Nevertheless, for all that is worth, I do wish one thing. That, everyday I shall love life as I know it, with all the amen there is. For, with all its gloomiest and brightest days, life itself is a very beautiful thing to reminisce on, look forward about and hold on to.

My love,

Please know that, I am eternally grateful for the priceless gift you gave me; Your ever endearing heart. I pray that, we can and will celebrate together, all the goodness and simplicities of life, each and every day, and forevermore. 

Rice.

Although he was not weak looking, he would hunch while he walked or sat somewhere. Or maybe he hunched only when sitting on the pavement. I wouldn't know because, of all the times I had seen him, he was never on a chair or a bench as he was not supposed to sit on any of those things, except the bare sand or pavements or the thresholds.


But I do not think he ever did mind sitting at any of these spots, because why would he possibly. I loved each of those three very much...


Sand was always one of my favorite things to play with, sit on, lie above, pasted all over... The way sand could run in between my little fingers and fall back to earth; the way it pierced through my bare toes and reach up to soil my feet so beautifully; the way it tasted like unsweetened crunchy sugar crystals; and the way I could create a rain when I would threw a handful of it up above towards the sunny sky and stand under it when it caught all over my hair. I can go on and on about the simple versatility of an awesome toy called sand...


Next being the pavement, stretched so long, slightly longer than my mother's beautiful sarees infact, in its transient glory, as my very own running track. The straight alley started right from the doorstep at the back of our house, up until towards the big washing stone in the shape of a cube with its top slightly slanted. The boulder was guarded by a giant open well. It had the shape of a monster's round scary mouth, ready to engulf me. Maybe because it was always hungry as its deep dark groaning stomach was filled with only half full of water and plants and fishes. But for me, that scary grumble would excite my guts enough to make me rescue myself from the monstrous well, by running as fast I could till my little tummy hurt. Off I would reach towards our house's door leading to kitchen where mother would be, whom I knew would always protect me from anything and everything under the sun, with all her power of unconditional love...



Sometimes when I got bored of playing with the giant, I would gallop along the pavement, back and forth screaming 'P. T. Ushaaa' at the top of my voice, in my utmost enthusiasm. The scream gave me an extra push
to my heels and a stronger beat to my young heart. My iron rocking chair would be on the middle of my path, which was a bit of an obstacle when I ran, but was of course not enough to tame me down. And I didn't want to move it too, nor could I move it anywhere, because it wouldn't rock on sand. Neither could it be placed inside the house as it would make scratches on my mother's spotless mosaic floors.




And then there was the humble threshold... where I loved to sit after my fore day bath, wearing a fresh frilly frock. Whilst I would breathe in and devour the crisp morning air that brushed through the paddy fields across our neighborhood with all my zest for bittersweet life, mother would offer me my favorite fresh ripe tomatoes. I was always happy to sit on its warm welcoming lap... I could almost feel an invisible hug encircling me with its warm open doors, making me ever so homely.


-------------------


So why would he he ever mind sitting at any of these three spots, my innocent past might very well ask. In terms of seating provision, a five year old child and an old man had same choices, though the former chose it very happily, and the latter might have chosen it... well, without any other choice. And therefore, contrary to my then apprehension, nor we, neither our seats, were ever equal but always torn apart by thousands of miles, from each other...


---------------------


Mother would always give him a coin or two and a bowl of rice gruel with pickle on the side. Over the years, I have seen many like him, but his is one of the faces, that I remember quite well. Just like the ever deepening wrinkles imprinted on his skin, his face has a permanent mark in the depth of my mind. Not because he was my fun loving playmate; nor was he a loving old relative who would offer me colorful candies. But because he always used to make a spoon to eat the gruel with. A spoon made by folding a fresh but slightly ripe, yellowish green jackfruit leaf and then securing it with the leaf's stem. He would fold it quite easily, though it seemed very complicated to me, and he would start eating the food with much love and gratitude.


Whenever I would see him coming to our house, I would stop playing, and start staring at him, as I knew he would start making the unusual spoon sooner and then eat using it. The way he would apply the red pickle on his tongue and slurp slowly and tastefully each and every drop of rice; It intrigued me to the core. I was so curious to watch his eating etiquette always. But he was passive on my lack of civility; anyone but him might have felt that I was impolite to stare at them and their food. He was patient with the five year old me, he
gave me time to become ladylike in my own pace... And with all my gratefulness to him for accepting me as I was, I gave him back my attention with awe and admiration to his manners, especially when he could do all of it without anything grand banquet around, and I couldn't be anywhere near to his sheer elegance...


------------------


I never liked the taste of rice gruel myself. Our mother would give it to us, if we were feverish or ill. I never enjoyed it. For me, it was bland and tasteless. Just like a day down with fever, no outdoor games and no play in water during bath, as bath would be strictly nil that day. But our old man loved each pearl of rice and each drop of water and each tiny grain of salt floating in it. My five year young heart was convinced that its the spoon that makes it tasteful. Its a magic spoon. My mother couldn't succeed in teaching me how to make it though, poor patient her, she tried a lot. My little fingers, my less flexible hands, my growing brain... All I learned was to fold the leaf in to a half, or tear it whilst folding.


But then again, I was busy with my life. I had dolls to whom I was mother to, chocolates in fridge to eat, sometimes my brothers' sugary homeo medicines to steal, keep scores of their cricket on my slate like a fair responsible umpire... And the most important of all, I was untiringly busy growing up and gaining strength to play and equally fight with my beloved siblings till no end.



----------------------


For years, whenever our mother would come with gruel, I did wish though, again and again, that I could make it tasty and flavorful with the magic touch of a jackfruit leaf. I never succeeded in that. I was never been able to become genteel and graceful like the old patron... But my mind do still succeed in reminiscing him often without fail.



Many a time, when I see the forehead of a shy bride, beautifully clad in saffron colored vermilion,my eyes recapture the fresh picture of the old man's dry tongue with a stripe of bright red pickle, from my past young heart. I now know, his untouched palate had more chastity than any newly wed; And that, his barren throat was more pristine than any divine consummation...


When I grew up, I gradually started to understand, a bit deeper than the surface, about many things. I learned that I had to look thoroughly through the gruel to see that, most of the rice was buried into the depths with the translucent water floating above. If I didn't look, it was just a plain old foggy veil without any pearls of wisdom waiting underneath to be discovered... I also painfully and hence ruthlessly stomached that, while fasting is not eating by choice, starvation is sadly, not eating out of choice...


Through those inevitable chapters of life and the lessons it taught me, I did finally manage to find out the secret magic delicacy I was searching, from the age of five; the trick that I thought, lied on the creased leaf, waiting for me to unfold it.





It was pure hunger.


But by the time I realised that...


I knew I had lost my appetite for it.



P. S. :- I would love to dedicate this, to our mother who has told us many many wonderful stories, and taught us the moral of each one of them... And above all, for giving us a good life that is worth telling.

Afterword: All the incidents described in the above story is real. The chronological order may vary slightly, nevertheless it effectively holds the authenticity of the chain of events and my thought processes that happened along with them. 

End.

And in the End...

Our intentions, our behavior and attitude towards other humans, animals, mother Earth... Our diligence towards the time and situations that are being bestowed upon us through the most versatile thing called 'Life'... The goodness we choose to inherit from our ancestors and the legacy of virtues we can pass to our children... The way we deal with our true conscience and the way we process our innermost thoughts before it proceeds to our deeds..

The paths we follow to reach our better selves till the end...
The values we carry along with us till the end...
The lessons we leave behind for our fellow mortals till the end...

These are a few among the many many things that shall be accountable to and considered as the different facets of The way of Life, we choose to Live.

For True Religion, whatever it is named as, has infinite Dimensions;
For His boundless Benevolence and supreme Knowledge is Omnipresent.

Love.

We all search for that special someone through a good part of our lives..

Someone who can bring smile in a whim..
Someone who offers shoulder whenever wished for..
Someone who wipes all the sorrows, even through silence..

Someone who is the happiest for bringing the best within..
Someone who soothes with care and calms with patience..

Someone who listens, even at the oddest hours of night..
Someone who let morning in to help wake up at the rising dawn..

Someone who loves unconditionally, no matter what.

This quest is one of our life's most beautiful dreams;
And the answer to the search being one of our biggest blessings.

But the thing is, we seldom realize that,
we already have that special someone in our lives;
Much before we had started the search.

For, He has always been The One.
For, He has always loved and shall love always.

For, He... is Him.



------ www.keysofmind.blogspot.co.uk

P.S : Hope the readers would have taken note of the capital H in the words 'He' and 'Him' and shall therefore would have understood who was I referring to. Need a better clue..? He is my God. Our God. :) I always wanted to write something which had the title 'Love'. But as much easy it is to say the word in everyday life, it felt very hard actually to put it in words with an entity in mind to write about. Well, of course, up until now. Because who is a better entity than Him... :)

Sin

Her gaze... i can't take my mind out of it... She was staring as if I did some cardinal sin.. And I was already not feeling good of my deed. On top of that, her judgmental eyes? What should I've done? Knew not... So I just looked back at her with a deadpan face. I sensed she was just jealous of me coz of my freedom to do what I want and her lack of it. 

It wasn't my fault that her life was limited, was it? Maybe if she had the guts to scream to the world and grab her right...? ...If I could, I might have offered her what I had, But it was not the right thing to do, as I had no right to make her fall into temptation, like I fell into. It would only make me feel guilty again... If it was not good for me, then how can I ever think that it can be good for her? So I juz sat there with self-remorse, thinking of her.

Still.......... I now at least wish I could scream at her and get it out of my system that could have helped me feel less guilty. I wish I told her the first thing that came to my mind then; "For God's sake, stop staring at my cone and ask your parents to buy you, if you want one!!"

 - A brief encounter with a lil girl, while having ice cream cone sitting on the street bench. :P

Bliss.

Can we ever imagine,
A better color for sky...?
A better taste for water...?
A better shape for moon...?
A better sound for birds...?
A better touch for grass...?
A better smell for rain...?
A better mother for love...?

Then why would we ever imagine,
That life is less perfect..
When we can clearly see,
He has blessed us all along.

Goddamn!!

July 5th 2012.

So yesterday, whilst in kitchen, I could hear news on TV on particle physics and I could hear 'God particle' being said repeatedly. Came to living room, though it couldn't be understood fully then, I got very much intrigued. Today, my curiosity got the better of me and before I knew, I was searching all over the net frantically, what this goddamn news is all about.

And now I'm satisfied to an extent, because I feel like I figured out something about the universe! :) just joking.. ;)

Here is what I learnt so far.

Please mind my language today, I haven't edited much literature wise. Nevertheless, I haven't made any grave spelling or grammar mistakes, so hope it all makes sense.

Also I wish to edit this whole rather un-professional article and make it more presentable for my own sake.. hope I won't get lazy later though.

So..

I'll try my best to break the whole thing down.. First of all I've only studied quantum mechanics and particle physics till 12th, I just read these stuffs because I like them.. So, please do not take my words as from a professional point of view. Nevertheless, I read from reliable places, so I hope I'm not wrongly informed... God knows best.


First things first.

Personally, I think I should foremost say about the origin of the name Boson.



Hence going to basics of physics first:

An atom is basically made up of nucleus and electron running around it.

Nucleus contains protons and neutrons.

There are two types of subatomic particles: Elementary particles(electron) and Composite particles(proton, neutron).

There are mainly two kinds of elementary particles: Fermions and Bosons.

Boson is named after Satyendra Nath Bose, an Indian physicist (1894-1974) who had worked with Albert Einstein, Mary Curie and the likes. He is best known for his work on quantum mechanics in the early 1920s, providing the foundation for Bose–Einstein statistics and the theory of the Bose–Einstein condensate.

Now how about the name Higgs boson?

The fairy tale goes like this:

In 1962, A Nobel laureate physicist Phlips.W.Anderson proposed the Anderson-Higgs Mechanism (now popularly called as Higgs mechanism) which is basically a mechanism that gives mass to elementary particles. But the proposal did not work out an explicit relativistic model until Peter Higgs and some more other physicists developed the relativistic model in 1964. Why is the mass of elementary particles important? Because they are the fundamental objects of quantum field theory. Again why they are so fundamental? Because they've no measurable internal structure; which means they're not composed of other particles (or humans don't know yet more.)

Peter Higgs, came up with a theory called the Standard Model, for how the universe works. Standard Model theory is the so-far successful theory that explains how fundamental particles interact with the elementary forces of nature. However, the theory was somewhat incomplete: it could not explain how particles in the universe gain their mass.

Higgs's idea was that the universe is bathed in an invisible field (like a magnetic field). Every particle feels this field—now known as the Higgs field—but to varying degrees.

If a particle can move through this field with little or no interaction, there will be no friction kinda effect, and so, that particle will have little or no mass. If a particle interacts significantly with the Higgs field, so obviously, it will have a higher mass.

The idea of this Higgs field requires the acceptance of a related particle: the Higgs boson.

The Higgs boson is one of the final puzzle pieces required for a complete understanding of the standard model of physics.

Why? Because..

According to the standard model, if the Higgs field didn't exist, we wouldn't have our orderly world, where matter is made of atoms, and electrons form chemical bonds. Something gotta hold them together, right? That is Higgs boson. In a Higgsless universe, everything would behave as light does, floating freely and not combining with anything else. In other words: no galaxies, no stars, no planets, no life on Earth.

Why is it such a big deal to prove its existence?

Coz despite the Higgs boson providing a neat explanation in theory, proving its existence has been very difficult. The big giant mean machine called Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN, Switzerland, has been searching for it but couldn't find it until now, reason being the undetectable mass range of the Higgs Boson particle.

Finally,

'God Particle'?? U gotta be kidding me.. :D

A nobel prize winner physicist Leon Lederman published a book in 1993 called 'The God Particle: If Universe is the Answer, What is the Question?'. Lederman originally called it Goddamn Particle (bcoz its mystery would be tiring the scientists all over, come on you little particle, show ur face! lol..). But Lederman's publisher didn't agree to the word 'goddamn' coz of its negativity. And thus it became 'God particle'; which I don't agree is the same thing literature wise.. Anyways... 

hope i shed some sense.. phew.. tired.. !

maybe write later in more details if needed, i guess.. (i can smell laziness smoking in though)

Till then, may God bless us :)


Acknowledgement:  About my humble knowledge in Physics, I have to thank three teachers, one is my cousin sister, Hafsa Faisal, who taught me the basics of Physics in the easiest manner. Other is my Ponnamma teacher, who made physics really a fun subject. Third is my most beloved Subadhra teacher, she taught me how to learn and admire the smallest lessons of life. She is someone who is equal to my mother for me... :) I pray from the bottom of my heart, may God bless them all...

Disclaimer : This write-up is subject to editing by myself, if I came to know better information and/or knowledge on the topic. Thanks for reading.

References: wiki, BBC, Nat Geo and random websites. (sorry, cant remember all... sincere regrets.)

P.S. : Fast forward to 02-12-13, I'm still lazy to edit this ! Apologize for the unkept words. 

Pure

Wish i could ward off all the evil from you..
Wish i could protect you from everything..
Wish you never saw the dark world like i did...

My lil baby...
I wish..
more and more..

I dream for a perfect world juz for you..
I build a better life for you..
Atleast I promise, I will try my best.

I will push my boundaries,
I will break my own heart,
but I wont let u hurt yourself....
Coz you are my part..
My beautiful part.
  

P.S : wrote this straight from heart. No editing done coz i dont feel like editing my heart's words.. :)

Promises.

My head cannot stoop any lower.

Her eyes...
I cannot face the tears rolling down all over..
How could I do this to her..
Breaking her heart.. over and over again..

The love of my life..
The one person I truly care,
more than anything in the world..

How could I be this unfaithful to her?
When did I become this ruthless hypocrite,
who made her believe that she can trust me?
Didn't I see her pure devotion? 

-----------



My broken promises...
My broken words..
Her broken heart.


----------



And now I stand before her...
With nothing but shame and guilt;
Not even having the courage to look into her eyes...
And ask for forgiveness...

-----------

For one last time, I wish I could fight for her..

-----------


I do want to fight for her!
I want to have one more chance
to prove that I won't let her down again.
How I wish she trusted me once more..
Once and for all...



There she is waiting for my glance...
Maybe its time to stop thinking
And do something about it..


-----------

I picked up the weakest shame and the tiniest courage left
And looked at her straight into eyes..


My breaths had fogged her image..

I wiped her tears.
I wiped my reflection.

And there I see...
Me.


-----------



I'm sorry.


-----------

Imagine.

Sad thing is, sometimes we only get reminded of our blessings, when we see the less fortunate people, or something unfortunate happen to us.

What would happen if it was a world where everyone is happy...?
Would we all be thankless if we have no sorrows...?

Have you noticed, we have the most sincere prayers, when we need something from God to be done.? If life is good, prayers sometimes become mere rituals or maybe even nil.

How material are we?
How narrow are our minds?
How selfish are our deeds?

We are nothing but losers then...

Pray and hope, that we all be better humans;
That we can rediscover and nurture,
the humanity, spirituality and capability for goodness within.

Amen.

P. S :- This small prayer is inspired by an all time favorite song Imagine, written and performed by John Lennon in 1971. The song is about imagining a world without countries and religions, with ever happy people. I was just wondering what would happen next, if Lennon's wish came true.

Four.

I tried holding me tighter
Closely to the shines of summer

Though coldly a storm with rain
Brushed me away to the clouds of fall

I wait in hope without vain
Cherishing the flakes of snow

And the memories of fresh young vow
For a delightful spring of all.


------------------
-----------

Seasons change. Orders change. People change;


Hinting me patiently to learn and love each transition thankfully.
They are those that make us resolute better aspirations
And make our years worthy for many wakeful dreams coming true.

------------------
-----------

Once again,
With prayers, wishes and wills;
A crisp new page is blessed along.


The beautiful beginning for a breath of life
is now only moments of heartbeats away.




------------------
-----------
-----


P.S:- Four represents four seasons and also every fourth year called leap year (like 2012).

Intricacy.

Withered within oneself
Muddled within chaos
All that lay siege seem lost
None to see nor to hear

Loathe the soul within
Embrace not the happiness
All that lay among love seem forgotten
All to point out and none to heave

Take off your claws, oh solitude
Leave me alone, oh loneliness
Let me breath, let me thrive
Let me own myself back.

Was triumph the endeavour
Was defeat a vindication
For the shadow of battlefield
Haunts deep within evermore.


P.S. A fellow blogger coaxed me to write, coz I hadn't written anything in my blog for almost a year. I still didn't write, but when my friend gave me the first two stanzas and asked me to fill in the rest, I did, for the sake of fun :) Thank you so much, friend; It did trigger me to write after a long time. :)

iLeader.

He is there in every 'i' of us. i hope. i believe. i exist...

Early 2009, When i decided to start a blog to upload my write-ups, i thought of many names for it. What i wanted was something that could represent the inner crude core of my scribbles with a slightly materialistic touch. i preferred the word mind to heart and brain, 'cause somehow i felt, oddly as may sound, mind connected both...

And as much as i love to use a computer and a keyboard to scribble down things, instead of the usual pen and paper, so do i love to hear the click-click sounds of my laptop, whenever i type. So finally after narrowing down many words, i came up with Keys of Mind; As in, keys are not just the ones, which open and read the different states of my mind, but as well which made its inner unheard voices and unsaid words appear on the screen in front of me, brighter and more vivid to myself; And sometimes to others also maybe.

Day before yesterday, October 5th 2011, when i woke up in the morning, hearing one of the saddest news... i couldn't believe it. Well truth is, i didn't want to believe it. The legend who created the rainbow arc to fill the mindful hiatus between technology and creativity and connected the dots between design and function... he who touched and inspired the factual and digital world, in every level and aspect beyond iconic... is not the living legend anymore... He thought different, made it happen unbelievably better and carved the niche of excellence which only he would transcend subsequently and almost ethereal through time and innovation, i must say.

i would like to think of him always as a great father for anyone and everyone, because he left such a huge priceless legacy of life personally, spiritually and professionally, to all of us. It would have been great, if i could thank him personally with all the love and honor for sculpting the very fascinating and beautiful screen; and mind i say, the sexiest set of keys ever cut by man, just the way he intended, through which i enjoy coding down my little humble creations. i shall forever remember him for the charismatic air and the powerful aura he depicted in his visionary works, for the amazing inspirations he has left on every walks of life, for us, the mere mortals. i wish and pray from the deepest core of my profoundly respectful heart, may the insanely great genius who dedicated his life to make our real and virtual lives easier, better and pretty cool than ever, rest in eternal peace.

One more thing...

Leaders like him, are not born, but evolved; Very do they not cease living, but survive time immemorial through their followers...



Special Acknowledgement: High regard to my very dear nephew Hatim, who was very amenable and enthusiastic in contributing good commendable intelligence and information that has helped me in drafting this humble write-up.


P.S. I hope his followers will notice that his most favorite expressions have been used in this small tribute; one more thing, amazing, unbelievable, innovation, pretty cool, huge, mere mortals, insanely great, connecting the dots and wouldn't it be great. And words like rainbow, touch, power and air are used to represent a few of his state-of-the-art technological product creations. And lastly, i have never mentioned his name, as i believe 'i'am enough for that. :)

sshhh.

So it is going to be one year since I published any new write-up at Keys Of Mind. I choose the word 'publish' specifically, because I still scribble down but they are only viewable to me, so it kinda doesn't count fully. Anyway. I think I stumbled into some block,a past which I can't write to my own satisfaction for the time being. Even though at certain times, I did wish I could scream at the top of my lungs, I was (maybe still am) at a stage where I wanted to experiment the silence for a bit so that I could cherish and keep the unsaid words, all to myself. I wasn't locking the keys, but just leaving everything free on their own including myself. So this small talk, made me scribble this small one;

Silence is there
In my mother's womb;

Silence is there
in a Pharaoh's tomb;

Silence is there
when I drink tea;

Silence is there
between you and me.

Water.

Had she ever known then,
She'll have waves up her hips
Not holding his hands,
But only her own?

The tides of mourning
And the floods of pain,
Had nearly drowned her till
She pushed self to go on.

Had all subsided slowly
Emptying to loneliness;
A lifetime have ended;
Forthwith new life upfront.

Now its all dried up
Like a barren desert;
No mirage to quench;
But a few tears to wet.

Though if looked inside,
There will be his relics;
In her core imprinted
Till his lifeline got broke.

Did she know then,
Some slit knits can't be sewn?
Though they once brought forth
That he was en masse her own.

Does she know now,
His seity was their oneness?
That neared to perfection,
Each rise, until the end.



This is a Double-Entendre presentation. On the surface level, the reader shall find this as a relationship between a woman and a man she loves. But the double entendre in is that, with another perception, its between a mother and her child who died during birth. Clues are given to bring the reader to this angle by not using any words that directly and exclusively imply the better half bond but by using double meaning words.

Waves up her hips - Can be sea waves. Can also be the blood, placenta etc a woman expels during delivery.

Holding his hands - Can be the lover's hands. Can also be holding the baby and his hands after he is born.

Tides of mourning and pain - Can be the emotional pain. Can also be the physical pain during giving birth.

Pushed herself - Help herself out emotionally. Also, pushing the baby out.

Core - Heart, Mind, Womb.

Emptying to loneliness - Her life is lonely. her womb is lonely without baby.

Barren desert - Her empty mind. Her empty womb. Can also be her empty hands without the baby. Barren also means fertile. Barren dessert means, fertile but not seeded.

Mirage - She can't have the mirage of a sooner pregnancy and quench her longing for motherhood (because it takes at least a few months for a woman to get pregnant again after a delivery).

Few tears to wet - Can be her post-natal menstruation which has to finish before a mirage could happen again.

His relics imprinted - A womb is changed forever in shape and physicality once its held a fetus. There will be evidence that the womb has carried.

Lifeline - Umbilical cord.

Slit knits - Her heart is broken and it can never be mended back to new as she lost her love of her life. That's the lover or partner's angle. The other angle is the slit made for the ease of delivery can be sewn by a doctor, but the wound she got by losing the baby can't be healed that easily.

Bring forth - Means to cause to occur. Also means, to deliver.

En masse - All together. In a mass.

Seity - Identity. The baby has no identity but only that he was her fetus. As he is dead born, he has no other identity other than as her dead baby.

Neared to perfection - A healthy pregnancy and delivery is one of the perfect creation processes in the world. As the baby died during birth, its not healthy, ie not perfect but only neared to perfection.

Each rise - Each time spent, Each month of pregnancy.


The reason for not writing this without two levels is I can never write enough and effectively about the emotions and loss of a mother. I'm deprived of words for that expression. So through the narration of the pain and different emotional stages of a partner, the reader can try multiple it and try understand what will the pain of a mother will be.

The title 'Water' thus implies, the different forms of water/fluid and its significance in life physically and emotionally.

Race.

I wish;
I could free my mind from all the locks that I have sealed myself in.

I wish;
My quest for the unknown is answered atleast for once.

I wish;
My being is demystified with a horizon of sublime accord ahead......


I do recognize these will remain as visionaries.

But at least I'm content that I know this fact.

Not through other but by myself.

Perhaps that's the manuscript I could ever find about me, all so legible.


Maybe I exist beyond my reach.

Maybe I am so hidden little inside myself.

Maybe I, me, self, all shall conflict.

And that race of struggle might be the identity I chased behind.........

Freee..ak

Homeland gave me independence

Home gave me opportunities

Life gave me possibilities

But did I give myself freedom



Now on this Day of Independence

I come to realize

Freedom is something that is lost in self

Something to be found from self



Hey Me

Let me walk in the rain

Let me just fly and float in the moment

Let me not only think; but respond too

Let me be closer to You.


Aug 15th 2010, 05.14am. After food, before the start of fast. :)

Packet Achar.

I am walking on my way to our paternal uncle's house. And its a hard work because walking through sands on two inch heels is something only a dope like me, will do. Its as simple as that. I can't remember correctly when I started being half-witted so much, that I stopped enjoying the warm feel of the beautiful, dry, golden sands of Vadanapally between my toes. All I see now is the sand I evoked up by crumpling it helplessly between my feet and shoes. And beyond my partly closed lids that are trying to shade my eyes, just like my mind which refuges my heart from memorizing certain melancholies of life; I'm striving to remember the last time I ran on those sunlit grounds barefoot...

There was a time, when life itself was a celebration of freedom; A freedom from myself; A freedom before I had set myself up with certain politeness and the so-called 'wannabe-lady' behaviors which were ruthlessly against having strolls over the soil with naked soles; Freedom to walk around and run along hand-in-hand with my beloved cousins and laugh at each others' soil-tagged hands and legs at the end of the day.

But, then again, who cares about those self-presentations even now, perhaps despite me; when nothing is more exquisite at Vadanapally than the affectionate hugs from loved ones and their constant insistence of dining on the fresh mouth-watering fish curry and rice. Those are something that can't get enough of, any time, any day. Shame to admit it is, that one thing that I seldom enjoy though among my native foods is pickle. Its a pity for my palate without any excuse that I can't handle those beautiful color-rich delicacy. All I get along with its hotness, are tearful eyes and runny nose.

While I was cherishing the stainless love of my families served with taste of homemade food, my in-built tendency slowly drifted me apart from the surroundings; the slots of my childhood are starting to play again. I could recollect through those rewinds that I have had enjoyed those spicy preserves many a times. When me and Sameeha would sit and chat for hours under the trees behind our homes, overlooking the big fields; Sameer would buy us little packets of mango achar from the small shops. 'Packet Achar' as we used to call it. And we would relish it all to our hearts, even if it used to take us, squeeze those packets together just so that we could fight laughingly with each other, for the last remaining drops. Well, those Achars were worth having a few tears and a lot of smiles, fun and laughter, together; From its extra hotness in our mouths, from the warmth in our hearts, it surely had blessed us along with the greatest gift of life called friendship...

I wish I knew how could I ever pay back the love and happiness they gave me. The sands of my homeland summed up everything we had. And when one day, those sands didn't grip the four wheels enough on time, we lost Sameer to Vadanapally soils forever..


Without turning over the pages of life's crystal clear pictures with sadness, but facing them with all my love, I now smile over the fact that I still have a few tears left to share with Sameeha, for Sameer... And facing them with all gratefulness too; that I still have Vadanapally as pristine as She ever is; Always ready to welcome me back whenever I wish to be home with my ever so dearest ones.


Dearest Sameeha,

I hope you remember all those wonderful times and I deeply wish from my heart that I could be there for you more... I owe you both, the most beautiful times of my life with all its unprecedented innocence and a lifetime of friendship vows, more than to anyone else. Love you with all my remaining childhood legacy that somewhere you have left inside me; and I happily would love to say that its all always yours, as it has always been.

P.S. - We lost our Sameer to a fatal accident on December 2008... He now lives in our hearts. Till we do.

Selfdom.

I live in past;
Reminiscing over my beautiful memories.

I live in dreams;
Thinking they are fairer than realities.

I live in future;
Imagining of a better closure.

When will I live the present;
And just be present in it.

When will I shake myself off;
For better, for worse.



The smile I created
To hold back the tears...

The jokes I made
To try ease up my sanity...

The laugh I faked
To hide me from my selfdom...

But Who am I kidding?
Me or remaining?


End of the day,
Did I get to see myself?

Or did I acquaint with my faint shadow
And just watched it fading away farther...



Wasn't that me who put dust in my eyes?
To bewitch my realm of existence;

Wasn't that me who blew spells over my ears?
Hoping a voodoo trance of clock and anti-clock;


Maybe I was destined to create this;
A stranger inside me, drifting ever so maddened;
By the mind trapeze, magnetized...
Beyond ever, the fact of time...

Ting Ting

There comes a Heavy rain
When No brolly near
Wet My shabby mane
Like a ritual Of the year

Comes in My mind
The Lesson of a wind
By blinding with Loads of soil
On a wicked Pharaoh of Nile

I Pour some juice
As Pepsi Is a no-no
To Hear Santa's ho ho
With a body All fit 'n' nice

Don't get the point
When All say cheese
And One starts a sneeze
Messing up the Total moment

Taste of a Coffee
Along song of Rafi
Rather than at Disco
Is yummy Like a cocoa

Water in the Glass
Is For a waitress lass
Tempting than a Big Tip
With seal of his Hot lip

Sure did she Lose some weight
Thinking of a Beautiful waist
But wardrobe is Useless now
Her Bank card is Also low

I Love the microwave
Better than the Smoke of stove
For making Maggi noodle
When Almost always idle

With talent Like J.K.Rowling
I would have Money rolling
With theater In my home
Instead of bills, bothersome

Wish I wore the other pumps
Ain't Taller Such as these
Sure, would I've stayed some more
Without having feet so sore

All comes So alive
As if there Is a jive
Coz Tyra Banks On the stage
Even though she is Middle-age

Watching Carrey in the Mask
Of course Is not a task
But I Prefer running Jerry
With Tom behind him in Hurry

Working for a Matching Rhyme
Seems harder than a well-put Mime
But it sure does Have some Fun
And that is counted always, Hon.

P.S. : Started writing a 'serious' stanza first abt rain, but I was rather in a light mood :) . The singing rhythm may some way be helped if capital lettered words are stressed. I'm not sure though, if the readers can understand the rhythm I'm intending. But let's give it a go! :)


 To my beautiful Roonatha, the coolest Pediatrician who can sing along all the children's songs and cheer up any sad face with her loveliest smile <3 :="" br="">

Dreams. Invincible.

Sometimes nothing exists but just the unattainable dreams
Still its perplexing to know, why ready to dream more...

The miserly yearning for something so far away persists
Verily though extremities cannot reach no where enough...

The exquisite pain seeps through the heart to choking gasps
Just hastening those hallucinations to be more vicious and crazed...

High sign has dawned upon that, its not an aspiration
But a fiend in disguise to poison the discourses...

Thence comes more tempting phantasm to fight farther
Thence comes more dangerous thoughts to conquer the reserved truths...

Senses proclaim to sojourn it for the tranquility of mind
But mind games don't surrender without a hurling tempest...

Realization slowly pours in that, the incompleteness of the dreams
Is the very essence of everything been gone through the sagacity...

For as much, the achievement fathoms the beautiful wild reverie to a stop
Though the end is nothing special but just an inevitable return to the submissive life waiting in front...

But there are still the scars left behind, so ethereal in the vivacious mind
Cause the never ending thirst is its strongest key pushing the span to something larger than life.....................

I.

I have no other wish...if I am with you forever..

I don't need other fortune...if I am destined to be with you...

I will never be homeless...if I have a place in your heart....


I will always be fragrant...if my mind and body is adorned with your essence...

I will always be beautiful...for I see your face in me, when I look at the mirror...


I will pray thinking of you, as you are my meditation...

I am an angel...for my thoughts are always only about you, the purest one...


I don't care if I go blind...if it was your smile, that I saw for the last time...

I don't care if i go deaf...if it was your laughter, that I heard for the last time...

I don't care if I'm crying...if its for you...for I will sail my way towards you, in my tears...


I don't care for the bruises under my feet...if they are for walking towards you...

I don't care for the heights above me...if they are for climbing to reach you...

I don't care for the dust in my eyes...if they are for flying to be near you...


I will give up everything that you don't adore...

I will embrace everything that you love...

I will sacrifice anything that I ever have, just to see your glimpse...

I will give up my breath, just to give you one more second of life...

I will give you my tears sweetened with my love, if they could quench you for a while...

I will smile against all odds, just to see you smiling back at me, even for a moment...


I have my eyes, dreaming for only you...

I have my lips, singing for only you...

I have my heart, aching for only you...


I have nothing to lose, except you...

I have nothing to gain, except you...


I have everything, if I have you...

-- Ironic thing I saw in this scribble is, its more about 'I', not 'you'; Eventhough it was supposed to be a 'selfless' expression of love. :0)

Someone.

I love having someone around always..

To laugh. To have fun. To tease. To annoy. To irritate. To cry. To fight and then make up.


To wake up in the oddest hours to talk about silly things.

To ask again and again the 19th time if I look beautiful in this dress.

To be stubborn for having ice-cream at midnight.


To be crazy for. To be possessive of. To be taken care of........

To go the extra mile, to see that smile.

To be just me.......


And to love.. And to fall in love with, again and again........


But no one had the knack to do all these things with me.

No one had enough pursuit to deserve all these from me.


Then one day, he came along...

And that's how my fairytale began.........

-- To someone who's there for me always and to whom I'm trying harder to be there for him. :0)

Surprises.

Out of nowhere, cherished memories are enlivened once more.
Out of nowhere, beautiful dreams come true.

Out of nowhere, an old pal still remembers you.
Out of nowhere, you meet someone so unforgettable.

Out of nowhere, friends seem like strangers.
Out of nowhere, a stranger becomes your confidant.

Out of nowhere, it might seem like you lost someone forever.
Out of nowhere, you might realize, that someone, lives in you always.

Out of nowhere, even a full plate won't satisfy a hunger.
Out of nowhere, a shared loaf will fulfill two hearts.

Out of nowhere, a house filled with dear ones turns into home.
Out of nowhere, home without loved ones feels like just any other roof.

Out of nowhere, tears come out of a non-stop laughter.
Out of nowhere, you will start laughing at your silly welled-up eyes.

Out of nowhere, everything around stop moving to a halt.
Out of nowhere, a strength comes within to kick-start again.

Out of nowhere, some things are not seen through, even under lights.
Out of nowhere, some things become much clearer, even in darkness.

Out of nowhere, you might get suffocated to the unbearable silence.
Out of nowhere, you shall find tranquility although in a busy crowd.

Out of nowhere, a whole life is lived in just a few moments.
Out of nowhere, a few moments seem to consume a lifetime.

Out of nowhere, life has rain on a scorching sunny day.
Out of nowhere, life has sun on a bleak rainy day.



Now that is Life.

Full of Surprises.

Just Fabulous.

Small Things.

I shall regret a life
that won't stop to smell the bright beautiful roses...
that won't allow the breeze to brush upon my tresses...
that won't recognize the fresh fragrance of soil after rain...
that won't wait for me to draw over the vapor on window pane...


I shall regret a life
that won't make snowballs when ground is white...
that won't give me a slow stroll under moonlight...
that won't let me feel the sea waves on my ankle...
that won't hear the trickling sound of raindrops on a puddle...


I shall regret a life
that won't listen to the cuckoo singing early dawn...
that won't remember the taste of summer sweet melon...
that won't smile on the scar of a play bruise for caring not...
that won't enjoy teasing and closing the touch-me-not...


I shall regret a life
that won't relish the last spoon of chocolate spread...
that won't reminisce the face of an old friend...
that won't glitch when finger is crossed over candle flame playfully...
that won't blow at soap foam to make the whole room bubbly...



I shall regret a life
that won't cherish the innocent smile of a baby...
that won't blush when he checks me out in the lobby...
that won't remember the warm feeling of first kiss...
that won't have a tear when dear ones say they miss...


I shall regret a life
that won't offer cotton candy to a little girl passing by...
that won't stop and watch children swinging high up to sky...
that won't get up and dance on a favorite song...
that won't pray hopefully when an old couple is seen along...


I shall regret a life
that won't find happiness in these small things...
that won't find bliss in discovering their simple meanings...



To one of my best friends, Veena... who always used to smile with me and have twinkle in her eyes... whenever we see the small things of life...

Roller Coaster Ride.

Uncertainties are sometimes a very daunting thing in life. We don't know what we are getting in ourselves to and the fear of getting besieged in a novel stage or just an apprehension that we are making a mistake are almost always disapproved. But sometimes, I do start thinking... Are uncertainties always a bad thing?! Isn't life all about risks and doubts and questions? When did adventures began fading into the background losing its excitement and all the so called zsa-zsa-zsu? And started getting picturized as the risky skate-on-thin-ice sweepstakes?

The journey is worth only traveling if the scenes we see around are new and fresh... Passing through the same paths over and over; It's like running inside a circle. Life is not a circle but a profound Eleven-dimensional super gravitated crisscross of lines with all the wonderful dwindles and pits and falls and of course great highs; which are closely inter weaved to each other. If taking up a few falls is worth that one high, aren't some things worth risking for?

Monotony is the one instrumentality, we try to avoid so that many breathings of life do not stay just still and pause a threat; But respire without constraint and accelerate forward, even if it's only one more puff of survival at a time. Because standing still is never an option, as life is not entitled for a destination but only for the beautiful voyage.

We get concerned about the Risk factor. The X-factor. The Fear factor. But aren't they combined to be known as exciting adventures in this phenomenally electrifying Roller coaster ride? So when did we stop being adventurous and started settling for compromises on a mere Two-dimensional Up-Down Seesaw or ... maybe on a To-Fro Swing??

Of course life is not too short to jump into things. But then again... Its never too long to hesitate and afford lose the wonderful opportunities that are drawing their hands and pointing towards better directions.

P.S. To a good friend, who brought up this concept of uncertainty during our casual crazy chat. :0)